“It’s is never too late to be what you might have been.”
-George Eliot
(19th century British writer)
I felt like a ton of bricks had hit me when I read it. I had the realization then and there that I was where I needed to be. That I was in the right place. Where was I you ask? But at my first PTSD group counseling meeting of course! Chaaa-ching!
I wasn't convinced if I really had PTSD, or that ithe group was going to be a right fit for me. Maybe I wasn't that bad off. My wreck and trauma was years and years ago. But I was so so so wrong.
Never has anyone been more critical of myself than.... myself! Just reading these words really just reminded me that I am NOT the person I intended to be. My life has taken so many different twists and turns I just feel like a fool. And not for the great things in my life. I am blessed for sure. Blessed over and over and over. My husband is a wonderful man, and my two young boys are the light of the world to me. I just can't seem to shake some dust of me though, about my failures. About the deepest and darkest times those years after my wreck. Reminded me that I can't focus, that I'm a scatterbrained mess, that I couldn't hold a job, that it took me enough years to finish college that I should have a medical degree and not just a bachelors.
That my anger fuels me. That I feel hollow. That I feel inadequate and tainted. That I made wrong choices in dating a certain man who really messed my mind up. That I dropped out of the college of my dreams to follow said man. This one KILLS me to think about. I can feel the anxiety, embarrassment and anger toiling up inside me as I type. I just HATE myself when I look at me.
But.... yeah so I didn't graduate at THAT college, but I do have two priceless little men who depend on me. I still graduated college. That itself is a wonderful accomplishment, AND I did it under such duress. It's OK.
Like this quote said even though I didn't become what I thought I was going to, I can still become a wonderful person.
How weird when I saw this quote on the work packet for group. That it must be a similar theme among the addicts, mentally struggling and hurt people in the world.
We may have failed, but that doesn't determine that we should wallow in that failure. So I tell myself, it's time to wipe of the wallowing mud little piggy. Time to get out of the mud.
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