Hello and Welcome

So here I am. Opening my heart and soul with the world. Anonymously of course, but maybe one day I will own up to my identity. My grammar may make you wince, and my spelling has gotten atrocious since graduating college. But here I am, raw as raw can be. Welcome to the journey of my therapy.
Recently I started attending an anxiety workshop through my medical insurance company. Three times we met there, then was shifted to the next appropriate level class. Some went to a general anxiety group, one to OCD. I and only I was shifted into a PTSD group. But the funny thing is that I am not alone in this disorder. There are millions of us affected each year by it, some knowingly and many not. I fall under BOTH of those categories.
How so do you ask? Well for many years I struggled and then hit rock bottom. Which that bottom I seemed to bounce of the floor of a couple times before heading back up for air. I'm still not at the air, but I am sure a long way off from the rock bottom of long ago. I didn't realize at the time I am suffering from PTSD. I didn't even know what it was, never heard of it until several years later when my husband was deployed in Iraq. Then I heard of it. And heard of it. And heard of it. AND STILL I didn't put two and two together.
But eventually the light bulb came on. I felt frustrated at the months of therapy I went through that dealt with my issues but never seemed to help.  I felt frustrated and cheated that my life sucked due to a few events that totally altered the course I was taking in life. Frustrated that I thought I was a loser and idiot for making these weird choices, and being someone I didn't know or understand. Turning into a person I hated. Loathed. I just could not understand why I was the way I was. Why I couldn't concentrate? Why I dropped out of college after having once having been on the Deans Honor List. Why couldn't I hold a job. Why couldn't I make new friends. Why did I hide from people, shy away from new experiences when once I was a very outgoing fun person. Why did I make choices like I did? Why did I sleep all the time and cry so easily? Why did I push away those that loved me? Why did I get consumed with pain? And why....why did I stay in a relationship that was very harmful for me? Why did I think taking a bottle of sleeping pills a better answer than living life?
Why. Why  WHY WHY WHY WHY!!

I feel....Cheated. Angry. So so so so very frustrated. All at myself. 

But here I am. I'm now in a program designed for PTSD. I'm hoping this helps.
I attend the first meeting, where I cried and was totally overwhelmed. But I learned of making commitments and trying to evaluate myself. I learned how it isn't my fault, even though my brain seems to be screaming at me it is.

I thought why not keep a journal of my struggles. Maybe someone else is like me. So here I am.

Hello and Welcome to my journey.