Realization

The other night I read this quote

“It’s is never too late to be what you might have been.”
-George Eliot
(19th century British writer)

I felt like a ton of bricks had hit me when I read it.  I had the realization then and there that I was where I needed to be. That I was in the right place. Where was I you ask? But at my first PTSD group counseling meeting of course! Chaaa-ching!

I wasn't convinced if I really had PTSD, or that ithe group was going to be a right fit for me. Maybe I wasn't that bad off. My wreck and trauma was years and years ago. But I was so so so wrong.

Never has anyone been more critical of myself than.... myself! Just reading these words really just reminded me that I am NOT the person I intended to be. My life has taken so many different twists and turns I just feel like a fool. And not for the great things in my life. I am blessed for sure. Blessed over and over and over. My husband is a wonderful man, and my two young boys are the light of the world to me. I just can't seem to shake some dust of me though, about my failures. About the deepest and darkest times those years after my wreck. Reminded me that I can't focus, that I'm a scatterbrained mess, that I couldn't hold a job, that it took me enough years to finish college that I should have a medical degree and not just a bachelors.
That my anger fuels me. That I feel hollow. That I feel inadequate and tainted. That I made wrong choices in dating a certain man who really messed my mind up. That I dropped out of the college of my dreams to follow  said man. This one KILLS me to think about. I can feel the anxiety, embarrassment and anger toiling up inside me as I type. I just HATE myself when I look at me.
But.... yeah so I didn't graduate at THAT college, but I do have two priceless little men who depend on me. I still graduated college. That itself is a wonderful accomplishment,  AND I did it under such duress. It's OK.
Like this quote said even though I didn't become what I thought I was going to, I can still become a wonderful person.

How weird when I saw this quote on the work packet for group. That it must be a similar theme among the addicts, mentally struggling and hurt people in the world.

We may have failed, but that doesn't determine that we should wallow in that failure. So I tell myself, it's time to wipe of the wallowing mud little piggy. Time to get out of the mud.

Hello and Welcome

So here I am. Opening my heart and soul with the world. Anonymously of course, but maybe one day I will own up to my identity. My grammar may make you wince, and my spelling has gotten atrocious since graduating college. But here I am, raw as raw can be. Welcome to the journey of my therapy.
Recently I started attending an anxiety workshop through my medical insurance company. Three times we met there, then was shifted to the next appropriate level class. Some went to a general anxiety group, one to OCD. I and only I was shifted into a PTSD group. But the funny thing is that I am not alone in this disorder. There are millions of us affected each year by it, some knowingly and many not. I fall under BOTH of those categories.
How so do you ask? Well for many years I struggled and then hit rock bottom. Which that bottom I seemed to bounce of the floor of a couple times before heading back up for air. I'm still not at the air, but I am sure a long way off from the rock bottom of long ago. I didn't realize at the time I am suffering from PTSD. I didn't even know what it was, never heard of it until several years later when my husband was deployed in Iraq. Then I heard of it. And heard of it. And heard of it. AND STILL I didn't put two and two together.
But eventually the light bulb came on. I felt frustrated at the months of therapy I went through that dealt with my issues but never seemed to help.  I felt frustrated and cheated that my life sucked due to a few events that totally altered the course I was taking in life. Frustrated that I thought I was a loser and idiot for making these weird choices, and being someone I didn't know or understand. Turning into a person I hated. Loathed. I just could not understand why I was the way I was. Why I couldn't concentrate? Why I dropped out of college after having once having been on the Deans Honor List. Why couldn't I hold a job. Why couldn't I make new friends. Why did I hide from people, shy away from new experiences when once I was a very outgoing fun person. Why did I make choices like I did? Why did I sleep all the time and cry so easily? Why did I push away those that loved me? Why did I get consumed with pain? And why....why did I stay in a relationship that was very harmful for me? Why did I think taking a bottle of sleeping pills a better answer than living life?
Why. Why  WHY WHY WHY WHY!!

I feel....Cheated. Angry. So so so so very frustrated. All at myself. 

But here I am. I'm now in a program designed for PTSD. I'm hoping this helps.
I attend the first meeting, where I cried and was totally overwhelmed. But I learned of making commitments and trying to evaluate myself. I learned how it isn't my fault, even though my brain seems to be screaming at me it is.

I thought why not keep a journal of my struggles. Maybe someone else is like me. So here I am.

Hello and Welcome to my journey.